Every couple argues. In fact, conflict in a relationship is not only normal — when handled well, it can actually deepen understanding and bring partners closer together. The problem is not the argument itself. The problem is how the argument is handled.
Research by psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who has studied couples for decades, found that it is not the frequency of conflict that predicts whether a relationship will last — it is the style of conflict. Couples who fight “badly” — using contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — are far more likely to separate than couples who argue constructively.
This article outlines the most important things to avoid when arguments arise in your relationship, along with healthier alternatives that lead to resolution rather than resentment.
Why Arguments Escalate: A Quick Overview
Arguments escalate when one or both partners feel unheard, disrespected, or threatened. Once the brain perceives a threat — even an emotional one — it triggers the fight-or-flight response. At this point, rational communication becomes physiologically harder. The prefrontal cortex (responsible for reasoning and empathy) takes a back seat to the amygdala (the emotional threat-response center).
This is why arguments that start over something small can spiral into hours-long battles about everything wrong in the relationship. Understanding this helps both partners recognize the moment they need to pause before saying something irreversible.
Things To Avoid When Handling Arguments in Relationships
1. Avoid Bringing Up the Past
One of the most destructive habits in relationship arguments is what therapists call “kitchen sinking” — throwing everything, including events from months or years ago, into a single argument. When you start listing every grievance your partner has ever committed, you make resolution impossible. Now they are not just defending one action; they are defending their entire history with you.
What to do instead: Stay focused on the specific issue at hand. Resolve one conflict at a time. If there are multiple unresolved issues, agree to address them in separate, calm conversations.
2. Avoid Name-Calling and Personal Attacks
Calling your partner names — whether mildly dismissive (“you’re so dramatic”) or outright cruel — crosses a line that is very hard to uncross. Personal attacks attack who your partner is rather than what they did. This causes lasting emotional injury and destroys psychological safety in the relationship.
Dr. Gottman identified contempt (eye-rolling, mocking, name-calling, dismissiveness) as the single greatest predictor of relationship breakdown. It communicates deep disrespect.
What to do instead: Attack the behavior, not the person. “When you don’t call me back for hours, I feel dismissed” is very different from “You’re so selfish and inconsiderate.”
3. Avoid Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one partner completely shuts down — going silent, leaving the room, giving one-word answers, or acting as though the other person is not speaking. While it may feel like self-protection, stonewalling is deeply frustrating to the other partner and signals emotional withdrawal from the relationship.
It often occurs when someone is emotionally flooded — overwhelmed to the point where they can no longer process the conversation rationally. Rather than stonewall, taking a structured break is more productive.
What to do instead: If you feel emotionally overwhelmed, say so explicitly: “I need 20 minutes to calm down before we continue this conversation.” Then come back when the time is up.
4. Avoid Generalizing With “Always” and “Never”
“You never listen to me.” “You always do this.” These absolute statements are almost always factually inaccurate, and they put your partner in an impossible position — they now feel they must defend every single moment of the relationship rather than the specific incident you are discussing.
Generalized statements also feel like attacks on character rather than feedback on behavior, triggering defensiveness rather than reflection.
What to do instead: Be specific. “Earlier today when I was talking about my work stress, I felt like you weren’t fully listening” is accurate, manageable, and invites a productive response.
5. Avoid Yelling and Raising Your Voice
Raising your voice communicates emotional escalation, not importance. It signals that the conversation has shifted from problem-solving to emotional combat. Once one partner raises their voice, the other tends to raise theirs in response — and now neither person is listening, both are just competing to be heard.
Yelling also activates the threat response in your partner’s nervous system, making rational dialogue nearly impossible.
What to do instead: Make a conscious effort to lower your voice when you feel yourself getting louder. Speaking quietly actually forces the other person to listen more carefully and signals that you are still in problem-solving mode.
6. Avoid Bringing in Third Parties Mid-Argument
“My mother always said you were wrong for me.” “My friends all think you’re the problem.” Bringing in third parties during an argument — or threatening to tell someone else about the dispute — introduces outside voices into a space where only two people’s perspectives should be. It feels like ganging up, it violates the privacy of the relationship, and it escalates conflict dramatically.
What to do instead: Keep the argument between the two of you. Seeking external support from a trusted friend or therapist is healthy — but it should happen outside the argument, not weaponized within it.
7. Avoid the Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is different from a structured, agreed-upon break. It is a deliberate withdrawal of communication as a form of punishment — and it is emotionally manipulative, even if unintentionally so. It leaves the other partner anxious, confused, and unsure of where they stand.
Prolonged silence communicates “you don’t deserve my communication,” which is a form of emotional cruelty regardless of how justified you feel in the moment.
What to do instead: If you need space, say so. “I’m too upset to talk right now, but I’m not shutting you out. I’ll be ready to talk in an hour.” This validates the relationship even while setting a boundary.
8. Avoid Ultimatums (Unless You Mean Them Absolutely)
Ultimatums — “Do this or I’m leaving,” “Change or we’re done” — are often used in the heat of argument to add emotional weight to a point. But ultimatums are either bluffs (which erode your credibility when not followed through) or genuine threats (which create fear, not connection).
Issuing ultimatums regularly trains your partner to respond to threats rather than to reason — which is not a healthy dynamic.
What to do instead: Express what you need clearly without framing it as a threat. “I really need this to change because it’s affecting how I feel in this relationship” communicates the same urgency without the coercive element.
9. Avoid Arguing When You Are Hungry, Exhausted, or Intoxicated
Timing matters enormously in relationship conflict. Arguments that erupt late at night when both partners are exhausted, or when one or both have been drinking, rarely go well. Fatigue and alcohol both impair judgment, reduce emotional regulation, and lower the threshold for hurtful speech.
What to do instead: If an argument begins at a time that is clearly not conducive to resolution — it is 2am, you have both had a long day, one of you has been drinking — agree to revisit the conversation at a better time. “I want to talk about this properly. Can we come back to this tomorrow morning?”
10. Avoid Refusing to Apologize
Pride is one of the most relationship-damaging forces in conflict. When one partner makes a mistake or says something hurtful, refusing to apologize because “they started it” or “I was just being honest” communicates that being right is more important than the relationship.
A genuine apology is not weakness — it is a powerful act of love and accountability. It signals that you value your partner’s feelings above your ego.
What to do instead: Learn to offer sincere, specific apologies. “I’m sorry I raised my voice. That wasn’t fair and I can see it hurt you” is far more healing than a vague “sorry if you’re upset.”
11. Avoid Making Threats You Don’t Intend to Keep
Threatening to leave, to tell family members, to withhold intimacy, or to take other extreme actions as leverage in an argument is a form of emotional manipulation. Even if unintentional, these threats create fear and instability in the relationship rather than resolution.
What to do instead: Say what you need, not what you will do as punishment. Focus on resolution, not leverage.
12. Avoid Dismissing Your Partner’s Feelings
“You’re being too sensitive.” “It’s not that big a deal.” “You always overreact.” Dismissing your partner’s emotional experience — even if you genuinely do not understand their reaction — communicates that their feelings are invalid. This is deeply hurtful and makes the other person feel unseen and unimportant.
What to do instead: Even if you do not fully understand why your partner is upset, acknowledge that they are upset. “I can see this really hurt you. Help me understand why.” Validation is not agreement — it is empathy.
The Goal of an Argument Is Not to Win
This is the most important mindset shift in healthy conflict: the goal of an argument in a healthy relationship is not to win, to be proven right, or to make the other person feel bad. The goal is mutual understanding and resolution.
When you approach conflict as two partners on the same team working toward a solution — rather than two opponents competing for dominance — the entire nature of your arguments changes.
Also check: How to Deal With Trust and Loyalty Issues in Relationships
Arguments are inevitable in any close relationship. But how you handle them determines whether they strengthen or weaken your bond. By avoiding the destructive patterns outlined above — contempt, stonewalling, generalizations, personal attacks, and dismissiveness — and replacing them with empathy, specificity, and a genuine desire to understand each other, you give your relationship its best chance not just to survive conflict, but to grow from it.
The couples who fight well are not the ones who fight less — they are the ones who fight smarter.